dcdiver

电视剧里的詹姆到底在想啥 - Quora恶搞

请注意詹姆吐槽越来越长的趋势....

Season 1: 
Where is my sword? Where is Cersei? Is there a chance Cersei is naked somewhere with my sword?

我的剑呢？瑟曦呢？瑟曦有没有可能裸着身子和我的剑在一起？

Season 2: 
Oh gosh I wish they stopped calling me Kingslayer, I mean I saved bloody Kingsland- oh wait, I didn’t tell anyone.

天啊，他们能不能不再叫我弑君者了？我明明拯救了整个王国 - 哦，等等，我好像没告诉任何人这档子事儿。

Season 3: 
My sword hand… MY SWORD HAND!!!! HANDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD!
Damn Roose Bolton is one sassy son of a bitch.
Damn Brienne butt looks damn fine for an ugly wench. Wow, I really need to see Cersei again.
Wow this fever really makes me wanna spill my darkest secrets here.
There’s like, 0 chance of cutting this steak with one hand. Fuck you Bolton.
Giving a pink dress to Brienne isn’t even funny Roose, it’s just cruel.

我的右手！持剑的手！！我的手！！！！！

罗斯伯顿是个狗娘养的

妈的布蕾妮的屁股看起来一点儿也不丑...哇哦，我太想念瑟曦了

烧得我晕头转向的，只想吐槽

一只手切牛排真是不可能---操你妈的伯顿

罗斯，给布蕾妮穿一件粉红色的裙子一点儿都不好笑，是残忍

Season 4: 

Well Joffery really didn’t deserve to live all that much. You know it too, Cersei.

I wish everyone would stop hating on Tyrion so much, he’s a nice guy.
Go Brienne, find the Stark girls for me and keep them safe. I know it’s a large continent to cover, but you are a large wench, you will manage.
Tyrion you ungrateful idiot why did you demand a trial by combat?

Wow this Oberyn Martell really knows how to fancy-dance with a spear. 0 for practicality, but 10 for the good show.

The Mountain fights like a degenerate 4 years old boy, but with even less grace.
YES! YOU KILL HIM OBERYN! SAVE MY BROTHER!
sigh.
I’ll save you Tyrion, because I am a good brother. It has nothing to do with Tysha, who the fuck is Tysha anyway? We cut her from the script in like season 2!

杰弗里真的不值得活这么长，你心里明白，瑟曦。

你们都别这么恨提利昂。他是个好孩子。

去吧布蕾妮，替我找到史塔克家的姑娘们，保护她们。我知道世界很大，但你也是个巨大的妞儿，你能行的

提利昂你这个不知道好歹的白痴，你要什么比武裁决？！

哇，这个奥伯林马泰尔的枪耍的真不错，实战0分，作秀10分。

魔山打起架来象是个变态四岁孩子，更糟糕

耶！干掉他，奥伯林！我的弟弟得救了！

唉.....

我救你只是因为我是个好哥哥，不是因为泰莎。哪个他妈的泰莎？从第二季我们就砍掉她了！

Season 5: 

Damn Cersei stop being so mean to me.
Ok I will go kidnap Myrcella with Bornn, piece of cake.
WTF are these pseudo ninja girls what is this weird shit? Are we still in Westeros? Is she actually fighting with a whip?
Phew, I am glad this misadventure will have no lingering consequences.
Myrcella I sure am glad you accept me as you father. Hope it’s not some enforced emotional scene before you die.

妈的瑟曦别对我这么凶

好吧，我和波隆去把玛赛拉抢回来，容易的很

这些女忍者是他妈的怎么回事？我们确认还在维斯特洛大陆上？她居然用条鞭子打架？！

喔喉，这次历险好顺利哦！

玛赛拉我好高兴你认我做爹。希望在你死前没什么催泪的感情戏吧.

Season 6: 

Cersei you fucking idiot how did you let shirtless fanatics take over the city when you have an actual army?! Also, Myrcella is dead.
Ok, Joffery was cruel and mad, Tommen is an utter fool, maybe inbreeding wasn’t the best choice.
Bronn, you have a better military mind then all of the officers in my army, you should lead the siege. Yes, I know you are just a sellsword. No, I have no clue how house Lannister survived thus far with Tywin being the only competent nobleman in the west, it is a mystery. 
Yay, we took Riverrun. I hate everyone around me though.
Ok, time to get back to Cersei, see what she has been up to while I was gone.
Oh god, she pulled the Aerys Targeryan on me, and she wearing all black like some dark lord, maybe I should ask Book!Jaime what to do.

瑟曦你个脑残，你有军队，怎么会让一群光身子的疯子占领君临？对了，玛赛拉死了

好吧，杰弗里残忍疯狂，托曼是个傻瓜。近亲生育不是个好主意

波隆，你是我军队里最棒的将才，你应该去攻城。是的，我知道你只是个雇佣兵。不，我实在不知道兰尼斯特家族是怎么靠着泰温一个人才撑到现在的。

没错，我拿下了本流域。可我还是痛恨每一个人。

回君临！看看瑟曦又搞出什么夭蛾子来了

我的天啊，她玩了疯王的把戏！还穿得跟黑勋爵一样！看来我要问问书里的詹姆到底该怎么办

Season 7: 

Cersei all our family is dead, everyone I loved is dead, and you blew up like thousands of innocent people, as well as destroying the most important holy place to like half the of Westeros. It’s a mircale the common folk don’t eat us alive and that you have any sort of political influence. Not to mention you killed some of our own family memebers as well. 

Anyway, I will stick with you for now because I can’t get Book!Jaime on the phone.
This Euron Greyjoy is basically an highschool bully, what is wrong with the Ironborn that they chose him as king?

Ok guys we have no siege weapons to take Highgarden but maybe, MAYBE, their gates are open. I know it’s a long shot but let’s just give it a chance.

Olenna please stop trying to tease me about Joffery’s death, the boy to me was just a seed in Cersei’s cunt (-Actual quote from the book). 

Damn this dragon really screws us over. Maybe fighting against someone with 3 dragons isn’t the smartest decision, after all, there was this one dude 300 years ago… what is his name? Eggon? 

Thanks Bronn for saving me from this dragon. I know we are sinking with heavy armor now, but 10 for effort.
I AM ALIVE!
WOOO is that a Zomb- ah a wight?!
Run to Cersei, no chance in hell these Kingsguard will stop you, they are just extras. 
Damn I know shit goes down now that Brienne says “Fuck loyalty”. That’s basically her one character trait.
“Hi Cersei, I’m preparing our armies to marching North.”
Cersei: “We are not going to help the dragon slut you idiot.”
*Hears a ringtone* “Hold that thought”
“Yes, oh hi Book!Jaime, listen about- ah, yes, yes yes. She did. I understand. Thanks for the help.”
-
“Listen Cersei it turns out I was supposed to grow a spine somewhere in season 3 and it was lost in the script. Anyway, I am going North. You can fuck the moonboy for all I care.”

瑟曦，我们的家人都死了，我爱的人都死了，你炸死了成千上万的无辜群众，还把维斯特洛最神圣的地方毁了。居民没有生吞活剥我们，你居然还有那么一丁点儿影响力，真是奇迹。对了，你还顺便杀了几个兰尼斯特家的人

管它呢，反正我现在就要和你贴在一起，因为我联系不上书里的詹姆

这个尤伦就是个煞逼中二。铁群岛是怎么选出这号人作王的？

伙计们，我们没有带攻城的器械，但他们的城门大概是开着的。我知道这不太可能，但总要给他们一个机会嘛

奥莱娜你不用那杰弗里的死来刺激我。这孩子对于我就是瑟曦肚子里的一颗籽 （书内原文）

妈的这条龙把我们操惨了。和三条龙打架大概不是个好主意。300年前有个哥们儿....他叫什么来着？蛋羹？（蛋耿？）

感谢波隆把我从龙嘴里救出来。我知道我们穿着重甲在水里往下沉，努力值满分

我还活着！！！

喔！一只僵尸！---啊，衣柜？

没错，快往瑟曦那儿跑。那些御林铁卫都是摆设。

布蕾妮说“去他妈的忠诚”的时候，我就知道她是玩儿真的了。她笃信的就是忠诚。

”嗨，瑟曦，我在准备军队北上呢。“

瑟曦：“你这脑残，我们才不会帮助那个龙婊呢”

电话铃声 “你等会儿”

“喂？哦，嗨，书里的詹姆！听着---啊，是，好，好。她做的。我知道了。多谢啦。”

“听着，瑟曦，我的主心骨原定是在第3季长出来了，但后来不知道为啥在剧本里丢了。没关系，我现在要北上了。你和月童开心的OXOX吧。”